A Course in General Linguistics
by Curly Bubble
Summary: Parody: Why Paolini's logic will never work, even in his own fantasy world. One-Shot. Digs made at 'The Ancient Language', Arya, 'Real Names'. Featuring: 'The Skeptical Reader'


yA/N: Okay, cards on the table, this may insult some people. It may also make you all ROFL, LOL and LMAO. Oh, and the latter is the point. Read on, but I should interject here that this is simply a stand- alone chapter^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Arya lay on her feather mattress, listening to 'The-Skeptical-Reader' as he told her all about Ferdenand de Saussure, and his celebrated book, 'A Course in General Linguistics' which was a compilation by his students. "Saussure did not agree with the view that ready-made ideas existed before words, that words were just a vehicle or instrument of expression'. He said that 'our thoughts without words would be shapeless. So, we need language to think, as sound without thought is just nonsense." 'The-Skeptical-Reader' let out a breadth with a whoosh. " Got that?" he asked, cleverly underlining some lines in the book. "But then…" where does the 'Ancient language come in?" asked Arya, inquisitively. 'The-Skeptical-Reader' patted her on the head, " The student has been listening!" he bellowed, enthusiastically. "No, really," insisted Arya, "Are you teaching me this because it is true, or because of how wrong it is…because this proves the stability of the Ancient Language, on which our race is based…the entire use of magic is based!" 'The-Skeptical-Reader' patiently nodded. "It is," he agreed, "But Paolini hasn't really read these kind of books, he simply created his book on logic as thin as air," he waved about a feathered quill to indicate his meaning. "But…surely this theory is not proven!" gasped Arya. "Sadly, yes," said 'The-Skeptical-Reader', combing his hair with the feather. (Apparently, his hair was fine enough to require a feather as a comb.) "Havent you realized how incongruous everything about your race is? Arya blinked. "No," she admitted. "Well," he said, "Our genre is apparently 'fantasy' or something, so everything goes, but according to it, you are more than a hundred years old, have remained a virgin for the whole time… you'd think you'd be horny as hell! Here comes along an important bloke, he's a Rider and all, he rescues you, and confesses his love to you, and then…you just…" "_Vun Darte Lih," _said Arya. 'The-Skeptical-Reader' screamed with hysterical laughter. "You are doing it again!" he said, "Why wont you learn that weird sounding words aren't the 'Ancient Language', its just a load of _Booranda _(shit)_._" Arya shook her head in confusion. She clearly wasn't liking 'The-Skeptical-Reader''s attitude . "Where was I again?" 'The-Skeptical-Reader' mumbled, counting for awhile, then continued, "Oh, then you like reject him because 'he's too immature, and in the fourth book, when you realize that he is 'mature', you sneak around with him, and still nothing happens…"

"I didn't sneak around!"

"Well," admitted 'The-Skeptical-Reader', " clearly with your I'am-your-grandmother's-age-so-hands-off-me way, but you still spent a lot of time alone with him, and the readers were quite sure something would happen. But nothing did."

Arya made a 'hem-hem' noise.

" well, what about it?" asked 'The-Skeptical-Reader'. "Frigid bitch?."

Arya couldn't take this insult.

"Get out!" she snarled.

'The-Skeptical-Reader' stood up, but didn't leave. He rambled on, "then if things weren't crazy enough, Eragon is appointed as trainer of all Riders, as he and Murtagh are the only Riders. But wait—you become one, as well—but instead you leave this amazing ploy to spend time with him to govern your kingdom, and all that requires is your ability to stand farts like me, which you cant even do!"

"OUT!"

"Even your dragons made out and had wild passionate intercourse, when they just met, too! Whereas you guys have known each other for years, even known his father, goddamn you, and you guys don't even peck each other on the cheek!", wailed 'The-Skeptical-Reader'.

"I'll utter 'The Name of All Names'!" she snarled.

'The-Skeptical-Reader' laughed again. "Please do, " he requested.

Arya repeated_ The Name of All Names_—

"Wrong!" retorted 'The-Skeptical-Reader', "You've bugged me with strange words throughout the Inheritance Cycle, you and almost everyone, but you wont speak the name of the bloody language!"

Confused, Arya tried again. She uttered the word that was the name of the _'Ancient Language'_—

"Which is?" 'The-Skeptical-Reader' interjected.

Arya slumped in defeat. "Well, actually…" her eyes shifted uncomfortably from side to side. "It's really embarrassing."

"Tell me," said 'The-Skeptical-Reader', lowering his voice to a confidential whisper.

Arya lowered her eyes. "This doesn't leave this page…" she said. When 'The-Skeptical-Reader' nodded, she continued, " It's _'I Lied, you stupid fucks, there's No 'Ancient Language, There Never Was_'. We, as characters, decided never to actually have it written, and some idiots would think—I don't know…" she scratched her head, "that Paolini thought the word was 'too powerful' or something, or too confidential, to have it out in the open, like our '_Real' names."_

'The-Skeptical-Reader' seized this confession. Arya's expression clearly revealed that she had said too much.

"It's okay…" lowering his voice, 'The-Skeptical-Reader' muttered, "_Ayra._"

Arya stood stiffly, _How did he guess? _She wondered.

'The-Skeptical-Reader' decided that the rest of the interview could happen with kisses.

"Kiss my cheek and say 'Yes Master', he said. "I'll never understand why Eragon didn't capitalize on this when he knew your name."

"It's because he's not a pervert like yourself!" screamed Arya. Then, comically, she bent down to kiss his cheek and said, robotically, "Yes, Master."

"Hmm…" 'The-Skeptical-Reader' enjoyed a few more kisses, before telling the elf to stop. She regarded him with a sour expression.

"So, would you like to speak and see Eragon?" asked 'The-Skeptical-Reader'.

"We aren't able to scry through Ellesmera's borders," Arya said, automatically.

"Well, we can Skype," he said, "what use is a handful of abracadabra if you can't breech all barriers

'The-Skeptical-Reader' worked on the laptop, as Arya had resumed her kiss-and-chant routine.

"Ah!" he's on my list here…'Unhatched Eggs' [aside] do I really need to ask how he's doing? Stop kissing me, and aha! He's online."

'The-Skeptical-Reader' pressed the call button, and a dial tone rung out.

"Hello?" Eragon, surrounded by a hundred eggs, came into focus.

'The-Skeptical-Reader' moved to give Arya the screen, before whispering in her ear that she would have to read the words he displayed on his paper.

She began to read: "Oh, Eragon *flails hands helplessly* a kidnapper has me, help me!"

Eragon's eyes widened, as 'The-Skeptical-Reader' tried his most maniacal laugh.

Arya continued to read: "Oh, help me, fellow-Rider *tears in one eye, wipe away*

Eragon asked, "Where are you?"

Arya read: Blah-Blah-Blah-Blah, I am in my palace room, sitting on this mattress, a victim! Please help!

Eragon arrived, Arya ran to meet him. He was pretty miffed that Arya had sent him on a fool's errand, but when he realized that this didn't mean he had to eat dragon omelettes all day, he forgave her and 'The-Skeptical-Reader' even transferred the kiss-and –chant to his cheek, instead of his. No doubt, they will live happily ever after and so will the (now 19 month pregnant) Saphira and Fírnen.

'The-Skeptical-Reader' studied 'A Course in General Linguistics' again, and pointed out another interesting fact—that sign, signifier and the signified were all different…but no one was listening.

"Shut up, _Redaer lacitpeks Eht_," said Arya, as she kissed Eragon, and chanted "yes, Master".

A/N: Firstly, I seem to have been in some insane trance while writing this. I sat down at 11 P.M. to write this, and when I looked up the time before the final edit, I saw it was 3:40 A.M. !

I am sure I've pissed off a few of you. Hope their were laughs, and some general enjoyment. I also wanted to put in that they never speak much of…'going to the bathroom', ever, but didn't know where to add it. If you guys have noticed any such 'loopholes', do let me know, I can probably use it in my other story, 'Giving it Back to Paolini'.

And, as always, _Prense Rimmenze_ (Please Review)


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